Worst Classic Video Game Deaths Insurance News

Worst Classic Video Game Deaths

Written on September 4, 2010 – 10:02 pm | by Hunter Rankine

Nobody wants to die. Well, almost nobody. And yet, for many of us, entire weekends were spent dying over and over again as we pumped quarter after quarter into out favorite video game machines, or endlessly pressed RESET on the console. It’s probably a good thing video game characters don’t buy term life insurance. They’d put the insurance companies out of business, dying three, four, or even five times in a matter of three or four minutes like that.

Have you ever considered the life and death of a video game character? We mean, really, one second you’ve just arrived onto the scene (or, screen, if you prefer), having been birthed from that shiny silver disk with George Washington’s (Daddy?) picture on it. The next second, with no nurture, training, or upbringing whatsoever, you are put through the most dangerous scenarios the sick minds of human beings can conceive. And in most cases, your short lived existence would be snuffed out in one of the most horrific ways imaginable. Imagine:

Frogger. As soon as you receive life, you are immediately made to cross a busy freeway with motorists who show no desire to avoid you whatsoever. Heck, most kids aren’t allowed to cross the street alone until they’re ten or twelve years old, but you’re expected to do it five times within seconds of birth. And even if you get across the street, you have to avoid drowning and dangerous snakes and alligators, all of whom have a taste for frog legs.

Q-Bert. If you’ve ever had to do the Harvard stress test, you know that jumping up and down repeatedly can wear you out fast. But if you’re the little orange guy with the funny nose, you’re expected to hop up and down a whole pyramid of steps. Don’t want to? The jumping snakes, and assorted colored balls and giant insects might convince you otherwise. To make matters worse, if the guy playing the game goofs, you jump off the edge of the pyramid, apparently into an endless void.

Pac Man. Or Ms. Pac Man. Or Pac Man Jr. I don’t care who you are, ghosts are scary. Death by ghost touch is not a pleasant experience, especially when you have to experience it three times.

Mario. This poor WOP bastard is just trying to do his job as a plumber (or was it construction worker, we were never sure), yet he’s been killed more ways than you can shake a joystick at. First Donkey Kong knocked his ass over with barrels, then he started taking LSD and ended up in a world with deadly flying turtles and carnivorous mushrooms. Of all the damned things to have on your headstone, “Eaten by a Mushroom.” No thanks. Let’s just hope Princess Pauline took some term life insurance out on the guy.

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